but I feel like i’m prepared in a weird way.  

I know how to make myself content independently, and I feel like that’s something that is underrated in today’s society.

3 years ago, my neighbor told me to never make any plans for March 3rd, 2012 because that was the day she planned her bat mitzvah for.  I remember thinking about how at that time I’d be a sophomore, and my life would be completely different, and I’d have already transformed into this older, more mature version of myself.  It’s incredibly strange to think that it was 3 years ago that I was thinking this, but I still feel like the exact same person.  Then, thinking back, I’ve realized that I really have changed and matured since then.  My friends have changed, I’ve learned more about being responsible and patient and dealing with nerves and things like that.  I’ve become more accepting of myself and the things I like, and able to ignore what other people think of me and just do what I truthfully and honestly believe in.  I learned how to drive, won a scholastic art award, had a boyfriend, made new friends, started a blog (hah), got much closer with my best friend, and started to really focus on myself.  Even though I feel like I’m not as perfect as I wanted my future self to be when I was 12, it’s finally hitting me that I actually have learned a lot these past few years, and I’m really excited to see where the future will bring me.  I guess everything is just so unpredictable, but what makes it worth it is when you ignore your flaws long enough to understand how far you’ve come.

so basically my grandfather has decided he’s ready to die.  He’s refusing to eat, too weak to talk, and personally asked today if he could die.  I understand.  I understand how at some point your quality of life is so low that there’s no more to live for, and nothing to fight for anymore.  If I was in his position, i’d do the same thing.  He was the one who really pushed me to keep making art.  He wanted to go to art school himself, but ended up getting drafted in WWII, and got married and had to just start working from there.  But, he always liked looking at my art, and whenever I’d show him something I made he would ask for it so he could hang it on the wall in his nursing home.  i drew a picture of him and my grandmother for their anniversary, and when I gave it to them at a restaurant, he kept showing it off to all the other people in the restaurant, and smiled more than I had seen him smile in a long time.  My mom always says he’s “the reason you have so much artistic talent” or whatever, which I never really believed, but whatever.

The weirdest thing is that I won a gold key in the scholastic globe art contest thing, and the ceremony in boston is on my grandfather’s birthday.   If that isn’t a sign, I’m not really sure what is.  Really weird how the universe works sometimes.  

just realized how dumb my first “relationship” was.  

i went out with someone who i never really liked (and was actually really embarrassed about dating) just for the sake of having a boyfriend since i thought people would respect me or something.  And then all that happened was i was really embarrassed about the whole situation and people thought i was pathetic or something.  But i guess it did show me what it’s like to have a boyfriend.  And i think if it was the right person, it would be enjoyable.

So now i just feel more disgusted because I wanna actually enjoy dating someone.  Even though i like feeling free and being alone.  I have no idea honestly whether or not I want a boyfriend.  I think i’d actually be fine with waiting until college.  High school boys are so immature, and I have no patience anymore with boys.  If they keep me from doing something I want to do, I don’t even consider them.  What’s the point of short, embarrassing high school relationships?  I already know i’m going to be one of those people who will only be able to do long-term, serious relationships.  It takes me forever to open up to someone, and then once that happens I just want things to stay that way forever.  High school really requires the opposite kind of expectations.  Which is why I think it doesn’t feel worth it.  ahhh idk.  Why do i even care suddenly?

Oh right, valentine’s day is soon. 

go to New york city to visit my cousin, take a picture of the city, photoshop it, then paint it on my bedroom wall

learn how to paint like something other than a 6 year old

finish midyears so i can have time to paint

listen to radiohead

buy a camera so i can stop using my webcam to photograph my artwork ergg

stop caring so much about schoolwork since i really really would rather just go to art school.

start telling people how i really feel instead of being nice all the time

stop changing my tumblr theme every other day -_-

k i think thats enough for now

bye

if i should keep doing the 365 challenge thing.  ugh its so stressful.  days like today, where i have so many other things to do, and will probably have no time to draw anything decent, it just makes me more stressed so I end up posting the ugliest things. and i feel like i have to completely finish something, instead of doing what i can, taking my time, and finishing it completely another day. i think instead of doing the 365 thing, i’ll draw as much as I can in my moleskine, make things that don’t completely suck, take my time, and also work on different side projects gradually, instead of trying to finish them in one day.  Less structure will help, i think.  I hate routines.  Art isn’t meant to stress you out, and this posting something everyday shit has me not even wanting to draw at all most days.  ok.  figured that out.

my friend had the idea, and i think its genius

i would love you forever, and ever, and everrrrr

my ipod is so boring lately.

“what, you got a 96, no fair your’s was really bad and it was like falling apart while you were presenting it, no offence.  I thought I deserved a better grade than you, no offence.”

swear to god someone said this to me today.  I spent forever on that project, and it actually made sense.  You are just an overconfident idiot who I am no longer going to be nice to, no offence.  That’s what I wish i said.

Today was my birthday, and i’m pretty sure hardly any of my friends had any idea.  I had to hint at it in some way before they realized.  Does that make me rude, to be somewhat disappointed that these people who I see everyday, and remember their birthdays didn’t remember mine?

And my plans to apply for a job fell short since they were only hiring people to lift heavy things, not work the registers.  I applied somewhere else, though.  Which is at least something, I guess.  I’m just so upset since I spent all night last night thinking of the possibilities and the perks of having this specific job I was practically guaranteed, then went through today without even being able to think about any of them as things that could actually possibly happen.  which kinda sucked more since its my birthday and all i want is to be happy wahh

But, I’m proud of myself for one thing.  I took a spanish test after school, which I had been needing to makeup for 3 weeks, and was left in the classroom alone to take it, with no teachers watching me.  And, I didn’t cheat once.  That might sound really stupid, and I’m not even sure why i’m so proud of myself, but something just clicked and I felt like I had to do the right thing.  I don’t even care if I failed.

The highlight of my day was when I found out my neighbor’s mom brought in a picture I drew of her daughter to show to her class that she teaches because they were for some reason talking about how sometimes art can be “astonishing” and “unbelievable”.  She said all the kids in the class were wanting to meet the artist, and saying it was the best drawing they have ever seen.  I don’t really know why that means so much to me, it just sort of does.  And it easily makes up for the lack of “happy birthdays” and overflow of homework and studying that relentlessly filled my day.