i’m not at all interested in art right now…

i’m sick of making things and then hating them no matter what.

i honestly don’t think i have a creative mind whatsoever, and i’ve trained myself to draw realistically but it’s so boring and unoriginal and i don’t see the point

i’m tired of stressing about a future in art, and finding a way of making myself happy through painting or drawing all the time.

i think i just need to take a break.

ugh i don’t know.  

basically i think art is just going to be a hobby for me.  nothing more.  

people who don’t live up to their potential, or don’t even care about doing anything

i hate people who take credit for things they didn’t do

like, “I’m smart, but I don’t do good in school because I don’t try”

while other people can say , “I’m smart, and I do good in school because I care enough to try” 

and its like in some way they’re equal because they’re both smart

LOL NO

NOT HOW IT WORKS 

its worse that you think you’re smart enough to defy ever having to try 

i’d rather you just say you’re stupid or something

gah people

literally start “trying” sometime please because its like there are a billion people who care and try and aren’t just completely oblivious to everything over here keeping you safe and alive and why should you not have to put any effort in.

am i weird for feeling like this?  this is literally something i think about all day. ok i’m probably going to delete this but whatever.

so basically my grandfather has decided he’s ready to die.  He’s refusing to eat, too weak to talk, and personally asked today if he could die.  I understand.  I understand how at some point your quality of life is so low that there’s no more to live for, and nothing to fight for anymore.  If I was in his position, i’d do the same thing.  He was the one who really pushed me to keep making art.  He wanted to go to art school himself, but ended up getting drafted in WWII, and got married and had to just start working from there.  But, he always liked looking at my art, and whenever I’d show him something I made he would ask for it so he could hang it on the wall in his nursing home.  i drew a picture of him and my grandmother for their anniversary, and when I gave it to them at a restaurant, he kept showing it off to all the other people in the restaurant, and smiled more than I had seen him smile in a long time.  My mom always says he’s “the reason you have so much artistic talent” or whatever, which I never really believed, but whatever.

The weirdest thing is that I won a gold key in the scholastic globe art contest thing, and the ceremony in boston is on my grandfather’s birthday.   If that isn’t a sign, I’m not really sure what is.  Really weird how the universe works sometimes.